Today is my last real school day here at WHS. I find it unbelievable that this trip is truly over. I had a plan for this, as most people do, but of course it fell through. I'm continuing my education at EMCC my first two years and work on a journalism degree. If that doesn't work then I'm going to take a class in Special Effects Makeup, which is the one thing I really want to do with my life. It's just hard to make money with it. That's honestly what my life has been reduced to. College in Arizona, majoring in something I'm not sure I want to do anymore, dead tired, and working my butt off to be average.
They tell you these are the best days of your life. These are the times you'll always look back on and miss. Sure, there are somethings about this place that I'll miss, plenty on things actually, but if this is as good as it gets... why do people even try to go on?
I have never been under more stress in my entire life. My insomnia is back because of all the things I've been going through. My best friend has my back against the wall, telling me if I don't move with her then I must not love her. My heart has been broken, but this time by a guy so sweet I can't even hate him even though I want to with every fiber of my being. Papers are due and so are the bills. I have to find my own place by the end of the summer and without my best friend living with me, I have no idea how I'm going to afford it... For the first time in a long time I am feeling the ground beneath my feet begging to crumble. I am feeling myself break.
The only thing I can count on is graduation. Maybe hitting that milestone will somehow slow down my life. If only for a second so I can breathe or a night so I can finally sleep. So, Mr. Burd, that is my final. That is what I'm doing with my life. Panicking, not sleeping, barely eating, and trying to figure out where to go and what to do. I suppose I'm just doing what any stressed out senior is doing, but for the first time in my life I have realized, from now on life is not going to be easy. It's all up hill from here. And that scares the hell out of me. So there you go. Take it or leave it. Give me an A or an F, either way I did what you said. I wrote you something.
Janaye Campbell
WHS
Wickenburg, Ariz.
Janaye, this might be your best work yet. I really appreciate your honesty, and I'd like to say, in a real way, I feel your pain. I lived most of my life in horrible stress. Sometimes I felt like the entire world was depending on me. However, I've learned that "whatever you might hope to find, among the thoughts that crowd your mind, there won't be many that ever really mattered." (Jackson Browne) So, take a breath--deep, slow, eyes closed. It's high school. What is the absolute worse that could happen? You'll be fine. You're a smart, witty, kind, responsible, committed, teachable, and giving person. Follow your dreams. Do what your heart tells you. Will you make mistakes? Sure. But failures are our teachers. You'll fall down. And then you'll get up, brush yourself off, and try again. Thanks for being part of our journey together, Janaye. God bless. Keep the faith.
ReplyDeleteR.Burd
WHS
Wickenburg, Ariz
I can understand what you mean about changing your mind. I've always loved ancient history; for the longest time, I wanted to be a historian who specifically dealt with Eastern cultures. But I found out that it is hard to make a living with that as a major even if you become a professor and the work hours and benefits are terrible. I don't want my love of the past to become loathing.
ReplyDeleteSo I've switched to Psychology. It is good that this field is always changing, so I can never get bored even if it gets really hard. History is now my Plan C; editor (English major) is B. But some part of me still wants to dive into ancient texts and learn about the past.
I'm sure that you will do well in the world, Janaye. The shock of actually being out there is going to be hard, but eventually you'll get your grip and learn that these worries you have are bareable. It still won't be easy -not by a longshot- but you can do it just as the generations before us.
Best wishes,
Lucy Randazzo
WHS
Wickenburg, Ariz.